for yesterday

I think we all have this image in our minds of how life is suppose to be... when really there is no perfect way to life. It's completely bitter sweet. I am entirely grateful for the bitter but somehow I just want it to always be sweet, wouldn't that be nice? Things definitely have a funny way of working out. Just when you think you're starting to get back on your own two feet and move one step closer to the real you... the unexpected happens. You start to feel stronger and wiser and then you break. You break down and you then feel like you just took ten steps back. It's hard when you read words because it's just that... they're only words. You want to believe anything that is said to you, take it, lock it up... and keep it forever, but that isn't how it works. Words require action in order to have meaning. My life right now is probably the most complicated that it has ever been for several reasons. I know that I am teetering back and forth trying to decide what is best for me, and sometimes I feel like I honestly don't know. One day you want this, the next you want that... but you don't always get what you want and that's hard to swallow. What I truly want is for everyone to be happy... even if they've done you wrong or they don't necessarily deserve it. Everyone deserves some sort of happiness in their lives. I wish I could make things better for everyone but I know I can't, it's completely unrealistic... but that's my wish. I wish happy ending for all.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that can be." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower



phases

I'm in this new phase of my life where I have to, oh.... start all over? Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic - but that's what I seems like (me starting all over). I'm not very good at putting myself out there... in all aspects. It's definitely something I have been working on but it isn't easy, then again nothing's easy. At least things that are worth it aren't technically easy. I think I finally decided on a major in Business Finance (after 4 years of college YIKES!), I'm not thrilled but it's better that I make a decision even if it's the wrong one. This next semester is entirely math based - this girl is not excited about it... AT ALL. But I think I'll have room to breathe and actually focus on school because of the position I'm in. It will be refreshing to really focus and put myself where I need to be.

Also being in something for 2 years of my life was a complete comfort a nice comfort... now I don't have that and I have to step outside of the box again and do this thing that people call... dating? Boy do I suck at it. I most definitely don't have that natural flare of being a good date...It's a little bit embarrassing, then again I just can't care. And for once... I honestly don't care. I find it rather hysterical when men say that women are confusing when in fact it's the other way around. This is partly why I don't put emotion into anything and at this point in my life I don't feel that the emotion is necessary.

I have to constantly remind myself everyday throughout the day that it's all in time. Although, time is such a tricky thing. I find myself complaining daily about how fast time is going, but then I still feel pain in other parts where the time isn't healing it fast enough. Total catch 22.

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that i should know

Well this tired mind
Just wants to be lead home

Anyway... on a lighter note.... I officially booked my ticket to The BIG CITY! NEW YORK CITY! I am so excited. I've been wanting to go there for sometime now.. and today my boss told me about a deal Southwest was having for ONE day... talk about total spontaneity! I love doing things like this though, I have no obligation to anything besides school and it's always nice to take a little breather from it. Madison and I have decided to continue to do things like this, ever since we went to California is made us realize how little our time is. We most certainly need to make the most of it and with that we are. I am one excited girl, then again when am I not when I get to go on a vacation? One hand in the air for the big city... let's hear it for New York!

7 weeks

It's been a bit since I've really said anything on here, which is probably good - means I'm busy... and busy is the best thing for me right now. I'm busy as I type this blog, technically I should be studying, but honestly I need a break. I head out to California in the next 4 days and I can't wait. I'm literally itching to get out of here. I have the overwhelming feeling of studying for finals (and passing), getting my essays done, editing pictures, packing, registering for next semester (should have done that long ago), Christmas shopping.... you get my drift. It's easy simple things that just add up to too much. I know my vacation isn't going to be long by any means, but I need it... I  need it bad. I need a little bit of a distraction in my life, I think way too much. I think about my future mostly - brings out the worrier in me, especially lately. You know that feeling, when for so long you had this idea or image in your head of how things were going to pan out? and...... they don't? Things change. Usually I am a frantic mess when things just don't work out how I planned, but this time... it's a little different. I'm not sure why but I feel different. I still feel the unease of being lost/lonely and trying to figure things out on my own but deep down, deep in my heart it whispers, 'you're going to be just fine.' and I believe it. By no means did I expect to be where I am now in my life, but I'm embracing it to the fullest. This last year has shaped me in more ways than I honestly ever could have imagined. I've learned so much about myself, others, and life in general. I'm in that stage of my life where I'm finally coming into my own skin - not being afraid. I'm learning about what I really want and who I really want. It's terrifying but so exciting at the same time.

It's been 7 weeks.... many of you may not even know what I'm referring to, and that's okay, because I know. 7 weeks.... 7 weeks of trying to be okay with where I'm at, I'm getting there. I'm becoming okay.

I don't know what it is about this song, but it makes me cry every time. It's beautiful.

what i'd give for that first night

when you were mine

tried with all that i have to keep you alive

i wasn't taught this way with a thousand things to say

i was born with a broken heart

bittersweet between my teeth

I need to start being okay, I swear. I am okay, just somedays I'm really not. It's "the bittersweet between my teeth... trying to find the in between." I couldn't find a better lyric to best discribe how I feel. Bittersweet. Sad yet trying to be happy. I at least try to get out and do things, but sometimes I don't want to. I want to sit with myself. Yeah, like that's good for me, right? Distractions is what I need, mostly.

Now, how I said we were going to Seattle, not so much. Plans have slightly changed, we are heading to Cali. California...... here we come! We're going to fly into LA and head to Disneyland for a little festive holiday. Tara is going to meet up with us, and I couldn't be more happy. This trip cannot come soon enough. Less than a month, I am on the count down. I need to get out of this place, even if it is just for a few days. Who knows, maybe I'll stay? ;) just kidding. I wish. Don't you want to do that sometimes? Just randomly pick up and start something new? I do but I don't. I love the people in my life way too much to just leave, yet I would love to be somewhere else in my life. Somewhere fresh.

filled and gone

so overwhelmed. I've got too much on my plate right now, technically I shouldn't even be writting this blog because I have so much to do - but I can't help it. I need to write. I'm frustrated and just sad really. Night's get to me, I dunno why. But they do. I've been working pretty much full time, going to school full time, and taking pictures/editing. I'm so behind on editing and I feel so bad because I don't get people their pictures within 2 weeks... but life gets hard sometimes that you just gotta focus on yourself. However, I keep focusing on the emptiness inside. Something that was once filled is completely gone. How can that be? Just gone? It doesn't seem like anythings really happened or is even real... yet I feel that hole that makes me want to be in tears. Maybe it's because of the holidays? I love the holidays. I'm one of those who starts listening to Christmas music the day after Halloween - I know... too much sometimes, but I don't even care. I love it. Today I listened to it all day and I just started thinking about family get togethers and people with their loves. I'm jealous. I want that back. I want a lot of things back.

I'm trying to be okay. I am okay.

Love and death are two uninvited guests. Nobody
knows when they come, but both do the same work.
One takes the heart, and the other takes its beat.

 "there's a season in your eyes... and a fever on your breath."

I'll be okay

There are somedays where I think I feel just fine and others where I wanna break. This weekend was a weekend that I thought I was going to break. I had bridals showers, wedding receptions - love all around. I thought it was going to kill me from the inside out, but it didn't. I held on strong. I was so delighted to see people at their finest. I loved seeing the love in people's faces and how excited they were about one another. It made me so happy for them and their new lives. I wish them the best, as well as myself.

I'm also excited about a little trip I am going to take with my love, Madison to Seattle in a month. It will be a nice little get away to somewhere I haven't really ever explored. I love the feeling of going somewhere new and experiencing something totally different. I've been really excited about it because it's something we are BOTH in dire need of. Especially as of late. She's been such an amazing person in my life (since birth), I literally don't know what I would do without her. She's been one I can always depend and count on in need of anything, and I only have a select few that I can do that with. It's funny when you are there for others far too much when they need you, but when the tables are turned those people are no where to be found. Yet they say they're there for you. I guess it really goes to show the importance of you in their life, right?

Count the Flaws



We lie beneath the stars at night

Our hands gripping each other tight

You keep my secrets hope to die

Promises, swear them to the sky

The bittersweet between my teeth

 Trying to find the in-between

Fall back in love eventually

Beats

Sometimes we're stonger than we ever thought possible, sometimes we're not. This is one of those times where I'm not sure exactly what I am. It's as if I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and I don't know how to get out. I try my best to be as optimistic as possible, but eventually we all break. We break to pieces. It's daunting trying to pick up those pieces and even try to begin to put them back together. Sometimes you just want to believe things so bad, so you do just that - believe. Never stop believing. It's what holds us together as a person, it gives us faith in everything, it pulls us through until the end. I won't ever stop believing. I want to hope for the best in every situation; however, it somehow doesn't make it easier. You still feel pain. You still feel that loneliness that was once filled. You still feel lost. You feel torn to bits. You'll do anything to get that moment back, even if it is for a moment in time. At least I would. I spend sleepless nights of every notion going through my head and I cannot escape it, no matter how tired I may be. It's just there.

When you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt — this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

This is now.

melody

I just need some good tunes that are up beat and get me goin'. Here they are.

Wanderlust

So randomly today I decided to look up tours to different countries and such, well I want to go to China, badly. I literally started thinking of how much I would spend and whatnot, I immediately e-mailed my mom and asked in all seriousness if she would take a trip to China to me at the beginning of December. Yes, I said December. Pretty much ONE month. Pure spontaneity. How fun would that be, though? Seeing the Great Wall in Beijing to the "Venice of the East" in Shanghai. It's a 8 day tour - which is perfect. I just have this desire to travel and see the world. I want to see new things. I want to experience something that I never have before. I want to see different cultures. I want to soak up the wanderlust of the world.



this is paralyzed

Last couple days I haven't felt myself. At all. I need some cheering up to do, I'm rather good at faking it though. A lot has been spinning through my mind and at the end of the day it just seemed mottled  in the back of my mind with no change. You know that feeling, in the back of your throat, where you literally just want to cry? Yeah, that's the feeling I'm talking about. It's crazy how one simple thought can cause a chain reaction throughout your mind and it then seems never ending. Half the time I don't even know why I feel this way, the other half I know exactly why. It's strange how we perceive certain aspects of our lives and run with that perception.

However, always in the back of my mind there is that voice of hope that even though I feel this way, it'll pass and it'll always be okay in the end whether we agree with the outcome or not. And I am so grateful for these moments - because it helps me appreciate when things are at it's pure bliss.

If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutley everything is ready, we shall never begin.

where were you?

how perfect is this song?

perfect.

Where were you when I was burned and broken
While the days slipped by from my window watching
And where were you when I was hurt and I was helpless
Because the things you say and the things you do surround me
While you were hanging yourself on someone else's words
Dying to believe in what you heard
I was staring straight into the shining sun

Lost in thought and lost in time
While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted
Outside the rain fell dark and slow
While I pondered on this dangerous but irresistible pastime

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I took a heavenly ride through our silence
I knew the waiting had begun
And I headed straight..into the shining sun.

Pinner!

I'm not a person that gets too addicted to things besides music; however, Pinterest has stole my heart. It literally takes everything I have to not get on it. This past week and a half has been especially bad, because of my surgery I haven't been able to do much, nor do I have the desire. I'm actually quite content sitting home on achilly  Friday evening, computer in lap and a nice movie. Anyway, if you have Pinterest you know how addicting it is. I love finding styles or pieces of clothing that I match to or finding new yummies to make (not sure if that is a good thing). I even love finding things that I could possibly use for my future, silly I know, but I know when that time comes I'll say, "I wish I would have pinned that." And what I love most is that I don't feel and weird as I thought I was. I see things all the time that I think, "hey I think/thought/do that, too!" so funny.
Here are some things I pin.
What do you find pinteresting?

time is limited

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

-Steve Jobs

1955-2011

Domestic

I love cooking, and I love cooking new things. Now that I am home and bored for this last week... I just want to cook; however, I really can't. Anyway last week I had made a super easy soup that I had been wanting to make so here it is.

Homemade Tomato Soup with Grilled Cheese Croutons

Prep time: 50 minutes | Cook time: 45 minutes | Total time: 1 hour 35 minutes

Yield: 4 servings

INGREDIENTS:

For the soup:

• 5 large plump tomatoes, halved
• 1-2 cups vegetable broth
• 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil, divided
• Salt and black pepper
• 1 medium yellow onion
• 1 red bell pepper, chopped
• 3 garlic cloves, minced  
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
• 1 sprig fresh thyme
• 10 basil leaves 

For the grilled cheese croutons:

• 2 tablespoons butter, softened
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh basil*
• 4 slices sourdough bread
• 6 slices Colby-Jack cheese

DIRECTIONS:

Prepare the soup:

1. Preheat the panini grill to high heat.
2. Scoop out the pulp and seeds from the tomato halves into a small bowl. Place a strainer over a liquid measuring cup; pour the pulp and seeds through the strainer to collect tomato juice. Add enough vegetable broth to the measuring cup to bring the total amount of liquid to 2 cups. Set aside.
3. Drizzle the cut sides of the tomato halves with 1 tablespoon of olive oil and season with sea salt and black pepper. Adjust your grill so that it is at a slight tilt (not completely flat), with drip tray in place to collect the juices that will run off. In batches, place the tomatoes, cut side down, on the grill. Close the lid, making light contact with the tomatoes without pressing them. Grill the tomatoes for 8-10 minutes until the outer skins are wrinkly and the tomatoes are soft.
4. Slice the onion into 1/2-inch thick rounds (do not separate the rings). Drizzle the onions with 1 tablespoon of olive oil and season with salt and pepper. Place the onions on the grill. Close the lid, making light contact with the tomatoes without pressing them. Grill the onions for 4-6 minutes until they are tender.
5. Transfer the onions to a cutting board, let them cool a bit and give them a rough chop.
6. Heat the remaining 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a dutch oven or large saucepan over medium heat. Add the red bell pepper and stir for 4 to 5 minutes until it begins to soften. Add in the garlic and red pepper flakes and cook for another minute. Stir in the grilled tomatoes, onions, sugar, parsley, thyme sprig and vegetable stock mixture. Bring the soup to a boil, reduce the heat and simmer uncovered for 40 minutes.
7. Purée the soup either with an immersion blender or, in batches, in a blender or food processor. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot with grilled cheese croutons.

Prepare the grilled cheese croutons:

1. Preheat the panini grill to medium-high heat.
2. Mix the butter and herbs together in a small bowl. Spread herb butter on each slice of bread. Turn two of the bread slices over; add three slices of cheese to each slice of bread. Close each sandwich with another slice of bread, buttered side up.
3. Grill the panini for 3 to 4 minutes until the cheese is melted and bread is toasted. Transfer the panini from the grill to a cutting board. Trim the crusts from the panini and cut up each sandwich into 1-inch square pieces.

that's all I can do

I should be sleeping right now but I'm not. My whole biological clock is messed up. Sleep for this many hours, up for this many hours. I hate it. good thing I have a whole day/week of rest. People who follow me on Pinterest probably hate me because I'm constantly posting on it. Oh well. Expect that for another week, because I'm bored!

happy thursday, all. :)

the unexpected

On Monday I wasn't feeling too hot. I thought I had some major anxiety going on over school so I just shrug it off. As the night went on, around 10 o'clock I really started to notice that the pain was worsening in my upper abdomen. I finally got to sleep around 10:30  and slept for about an hour and a half and woke up in complete pain. I then knew something wasn't right and this wasn't just anxiety. Sweet, Ron called me at 2 o'clock in the A.M. and stressed to me to go to the ER. I refused because I thought I could tough it out through the morning till I could go to instacare around 11 A.M. after I had already been to work for awhile. When I got off the phone with Ron I tried going back to sleep but I just couldn't. I was in complete discomfort no matter what I did. A little bit before 5 A.M. I went up to my mom's room and told her I needed to go to the ER and it cannot wait - the pain was just too much by that point.

I got to the ER a little bit before 6 A.M. I had my make up on because I figured I would be going to work after the ER, I honestly thought I had a stomach ulcer by this point and that they would just give me some meds and I would be on my case. Well, was I completely wrong. I told the doctor my symptoms and he said that it might be several things so it is very important that I get an ultra sound done and some x-rays. As I went into my ultra sound the tech started to push on my abdomen and I honestly lost it. I just started crying because the perssure hurt so bad. As she started to search for something she couldn't find anything. I began to panic because I knew the pain I was in just wasn't right. She asked me to turn onto my left - as I did she then started to search once more... and then I heard... "oh...... there it is! - you have major gallstones." I was scared but happy at the same time. I figured they would give me a medication that would dissolve the stones and give me some pain meds and I would be on my way. As I was wheeled back into the ER my doctor came and said they were just waiting for the results. Moments later the surgeon came in and spoke the words, "you're getting gallbladder surgery today." I was so thrown back. I was not expecting that AT ALL.

About an hour and a half later I was first in line of the 5 others getting surgery. I was happy to be the first because I was so tired from being at the hospital. The overall surgery took a solid 20 minutes - but my mom began to panic because I didn't come out of recovery for an hour and a half. I wouldn't wake up. Finally, my eyes began to open as it then took me another 30 minutes to become competent. Now let me tell you... after my surgery was AWFUL. My reaction to the anesthesia was not good. In fact, it was horrible. I have never felt to nausesated in my life and the pain... oh gosh, the pain was bad.

I was then out of recovery and back with my family. The sweet nurses did their best to take care of me. I was put from the bed onto a chair, which was so painful. As I was sitting there I became overly nauseated and became to vomit (WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN!) I literally felt like my stomach was going to rip apart from the stitches. I was given 4 saltines and some pudding but I just couldn't keep anything down. My vomiting didn't happen once... but three times. Worst thing, ever. Finally around 3 P.M. I was sent home with 4 incisions to the stomach.

That is not how I had planned my Tuesday to go in the slightest bit, but I hope I start feeling better soon (good news is I get a week of work/school off). I have had such amazing friends and family and the best boyfriend out there. I cannot thank them enough for doing the things they have for me. So nice of them to bring me flowers, cards, coloring books, and making me healthy food. They have all been so wonderful and I couldn't ask for better!

vibes

As of lately I have been on this self awareness kick. I never really noticed how important it really is to be okay with who you are. I'm getting to that age where I am really beginning to find myself. Finding what I like, why I like it and why I shouldn't listen to other people's opinions. For the past 4 years I have been in a complete whirlwind - and I honestly didn't think I would get out of it anytime soon. Yeah, we will always have our time and place for struggles - but everyday doesn't have to be one. I've noticed a big change in who I am, especially in the last two years... and even more so in the last few months. I've always been an extremely positive person towards others, but never myself. I find that odd? So I really decided to put my foot down and tell myself that I AM GREAT. I am so happy with who I am and where I am going. I'm not a person who likes surprises or not knowning, but I am going to have to start liking it because that is l.i.f.e. and I am now just realizing it. I've been reading several per se quotes and even books that have helped me immensely. I am such a sucker for words. I find so much value in them, yet they're just words. It can go both ways - being helpful or hurtful but that is for you to decide. As for me I find them helpful in certain situations, even when I'm in a sitch that I don't like or 'can't handle' I tell my self.... umm... YOU CAN handle it. YOU CAN handle anything. And honestly... I can. Yeah, it may be hard and I may be sad but it's not the end.

Being okay with who you are in one of the hardest things, because I feel like you have to fake it till you make it. Actually, I know you have to fake it till you make it. But I've realized that I'm never going to be 5'8 and have super long legs. I'm not ever going to be someone with blue eyes. I'm not ever going to be the girl who is stick thin and doesn't have curves. I'm going to be that girl who is 5'4 and can rock 5 in' heels. I am going to be that girl who has honey eyes. I am going to be that girl who has curves. I am going to be that girl who can act a fool and not care about the people judging her. I am going to be that positive girl in the worst situaation. I am that girl - and I am okay with that, day by day. I've started to make little goals a week that I will do everyday. Such as, waking up every morning telling myself it'll be a good day. Easy? yes. Honestly, this last week has been such a fantastic week - super busy but so good. It's been amazing the differences it can make in your life by the little day by day changes.

I have dreams and aspirations that I want to fulfill. I want to go to culinary school in Napa Valley, California after I graduate. When I told people about it first no one supported me and I honestly felt bad about it because I felt like I had to do what everyone else thought was best for me. After feeling like that for awhile I told myself... no. This is my life, and I know what's best for me. As I started to stand up for myself, I noticed people starting to support me. So don't ever let anyone tell you what's best for YOU because only YOU know. It's YOUR life and YOU need to live it for YOU.

A special day

wowza. I haven't blogged in sometime, which is weird. I use to blog like there was no tomorrow. I guess that's the way life goes sometimes, you can't win them all. It's been almost a literal two months since I've said a peep on here, I want to say a lot has changed but that just isn't the case. I am back in the grind of work and school and... I just had a birthday. TODAY. It honestly was such an amazing day. Not that I did anything special, but I just felt special. I love that feeling. I love birthdays because it's customized to YOU. I went to work as I normally do, and as the day went on my lovely co-workers sang me happy birthday with a delightful peanut butter pie. To die for. On my lunch I went to Michaels Craft store (love that place) and picked up the cutest leopard print cupcake papers. I had planned to go home to make cupcakes for my cute friends that were coming over for dinner, but I didn't have to end up making them because my sweet mom got my favorite cupcakes from a cafe down the street. But before I had left work I was presented with a lovely surprise - FLOWERS. Now, what girl doesn't love her a fabulous bouquet of flowers? This girl sure loves them. It made my day! I have the best guy around. :) Hands down - he was also a trooper and came up for my ALL girls dinner. He met some of my friends that he hadn't met before and they just loved him, but not as much as I do. It was fun gathering around the fire on the deck at my house - full of laughter and stories. I honestly could not have asked for a better birthday.

22 is going to be a sweet ride, and I couldn't be more excited.

Let it be...

Sometimes I think I should have born sometime in the 70's. A time where people had a sense of depth. A time where there was passion in the world. A time when peace was prominent. A time when music had meaning - John Lennon, Paul MacCartney (The Beatles), Bob Dylan, Queen. Instead I've adapted the habits of facebooking and cell phones. I've really been trying to stear away from facebook, in fact both - or technology of any kind. I say that as I'm writing a blog... ha. But you get what I mean. I can't stand the drama that is on Facebook... daily. Or the sayings that people say such as, "I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate." Seriously people? I think there are a lot more things to be worried about in life. No one cares, period. No one has respect for people these days - it's so sad. Always degrading to make themselves feel superior, being selfish because they want to get ahead of the game. Everything is about ME, ME, ME. People have no idea what it means to be selfless and giving. Back then it seems that people fought for what is right, and they had to do it the hard way.... with hard work and dedication. It's so easy to appologize to someone over a text message or say things that 'you don't mean,' which is honestly why I never text. In fact... I'm a terrible texter...I let my phone die so I can have a reason not to text someone. Life seems so good without it sometimes. Even television for that matter... sure I like my occasional The Bachelor or E! news but I've come to the terms that I'm no longer watching t.v. before bed or while in bed. Such a distraction. In my down time I'd RATHER go for a walk, sit outside, be with my family - enjoy things that have meaning. Focus on the positive in my life... because guess what? There are things we cannot change no matter how hard we try. No matter how much we want something back or things to be different... they won't be. Let it be.

"And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree,

there will be an answer, let it be.

For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see,

there will be an answer. let it be."

"Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people

Sharing all the world"

inevitable

life comes at you fast, doesn't it? more often then not we experience something unexpected. sure, somethings are inevitable, but you don't want to make those things part of your daily focus. you want to see the good in all that's around and thrive off of it. but sometimes things happen that we don't want... and it isn't always pretty and it's very difficult to see the good in such. not only does it make you a stronger person but it makes you someone you never thought you could be. someone with beauty and strength. within the last few days a couple things have happend, and i have seen people be stronger than they ever thought possible. with that... anything is possible.
each and every person should start focusing on something they can do to make the world a better place. start with a lot less judging, assuming, negative acts, etc. and end with a lot more kindness, love, and devotion. it's so easy to be a cold hearted person yet it's so hard to be nice? it seems as if it takes a lot more effort to pick out the bad parts of a person than it is to pick out the good. but just remember, those of you who judge have just as many if not more negative qualities about themselves than those being judged. start by looking at the compassion of a person in their eyes, their smile, their touch. search for something in their voice, and deep within their heart, because every single person does have something to offer.
make someone always feel loved, never hold back. create memories that last forever. and have a connection with people you never thought, because they may just change your life.



"out past the cars on the railway
out past the city's finery
we see our breath and connection
underneath these gravel lines"

"

peeves

I know I shouldn't be so cruel... and I'm not sure this is neccessarily cruel... but just ultimately peeving. Besides it's MY blog and I can say/blog about all I want, right?

ONE - WhEn PeoPle tYpE LiKe ThIS....

Seriously? I don't understand one bit. I'm almost positive that was a fad about a good 5-8 years ago, I'm not certain, but I am pretty sure. Plus... it hurts my eyes. So people, please stop.

TWO - r u wit yur boii???

Okay, I'm not the spelling nazi or anything but THAT is just obnoxious. First off, what's a 'boii'? Oh, you mean BOY? In that case yes I am with my 'boy.' Second, 'wit' and 'yur' it just looks terrible. Period.

THREE - Those awful bedazzled jeans people are still wearing.

Haven't most people heard that the simpler it is the better? That's typically always the case, and especially in this one. Make it easy on the eyes for all of us, would ya you bedazzler jeans people? This also goes for the bedazzled shirts.

FOUR - When people do NOTHING but cause/complain about drama on the FB.

Usually no one cares... and if they do, talk to them personally. Don't post that shiz all over the Face. It's annoying and all you're wanting is attention. No one likes attention whores. Literally 2/3 of my FB friends have nothing but drama and it's getting a wwwwittle bit annoying. Okay, maybe not 2/3 but a fair amount. Just sayin'. Whether they realize they're drama or not... they should double check their status before posting.

okkkkkkkay. I am done. whew! I feel better. :)
Have a fab night, all.

simplicity

What is the definition of simple?

sim·ple

–adjective

1. easy to understand, deal with, use, etc.: a simple matter; simple tools.

2. not elaborate or artificial; plain: a simple style.

3. not ornate or luxurious; unadorned: a simple gown.

That's the one thing I want to start enduring the most. The simple things in life.

I ultimately want a simple, non hectic life. Sure... at some point in every persons life it becomes a complete and utter mess; but the over all beauty of my life is to live simply. To not engage in things that don't matter, to be accepting of the small things. To fully love what I have and become appreciative of it.

I don't want to live a hectic working day and thrive off of money and the busyness. I want to live in the moment doing something I enjoy the most. I want to take my everyday and do something. Something great - something worth living. Not sit in front of the televison in my pajama's wasting the day.

I don't want to run, I want to stroll.

I want to take it one day at a time.

I want to enjoy all that is simple.

In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.

day uno

6:00 wake up call. Headed to my FIRST personal training sesh this morning. and..... oh. my. gosh. I thought I was in decent shape... like I could lift anything... well... turns out I was WRONG. Plus... my form. AWFUL. haha All I can do is laugh at myself. Because clearly I had no idea how to preform any of the exersices before doing this (which I thought I did)... but I'm about to learn. I can already feel it in my arms and legs. wooooooo. It's going to be good.

I love my trainer too, Whitney. She is exactly what I need. I honestly am so excited to start this journey and do something I know I can achieve. It is going to take a lot of will, determination, and hardwork... and I am so ready. I just need the love and support of those around me to help me stay on track and not tempt me with delish food... or tell me... "it's okay if you skip the gym just ONE day." well... that one day turns into TWO days... THREE days... and so forth. Or to tell me.. "one bite isn't going to hurt." oh it's going to hurt alright! I'm not paying to just throw my money away. haha I'm paying to learn and to get me to understand what I need to do and how I need to do it, and to get the results I am looking for. :)

I was told a few days ago that I need to start drinking 1 to 1 1/2 gallons of water PER DAY! okay, those who know me know I drink a lot of water... and that's ALL I drink. I don't drink soda or juice.. nothing of that sort... but when I started drinking that 1-1 1/2 gallon range... holy hanna. THAT'S A TON. I literally have to pee every 5 seconds... and when I do I obviously wash my hands after.. well after going to the bathroom several times an hour... and washing my hands that much, my hands are starting to get super dry. To me... DRY SKIN IS THEE WORST FEELING. ugh. but I feel good. :) so I guess that's worth it, right?

Anywho... I'll be posting my progress and such throughout the coming weeks and try to be as positive as I can. This is going to be such a great experience... So happy!

Progress

yeah... one last hoorah.

I really need to start getting my priorities in line. I have been too much of a push over, and it's not okay. I've totally been slacking on writing my papers for my research class... that I told myself I would get done at the END of APRIL. Where are we now? Oh yeah the MIDDLE/END of JUNE... and I still haven't done them.

Also... eating/working out... yeah I've failed there too. I've been working out except the last three weeks now I've slacked. SO! No more slacking. Giving myself a good 12 weeks of perfection. I got me a personal trainer. yep! and honestly... I am SO EXCITED! I'll probably be posting a lot on how it's going... just to give me a little extra motivation aside from what the trainer will give me. and in all honesty... I'm really excited to learn about all of it. Partly the reason is because I've been really thinking about majoring in human performance... and I think this would be a good start. Speaking of majoring... That's another thing on my list... go talk to my school advisor and tell her how much I screwed up the last 3 years of school... and start ALL OVER on a BRAND NEW MAJOR! eff. I feel like I'm going to be a super senior. haha. I'm tired of school. so so tired of it.

anyway... here's to Sunday, June 19 to my last hoorah. My last day of being a push over. My last day of saying, "oh I'll do it." Now or ever, baby.

It's about time I start accomplishing things for myself.

A challenge will be so good for myself.

Something to prove.

Something to be proud of.

Something to make me feel whole.

Something to give me just what I need.

Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear

feelin' hot hot hot!

man. i am one tired girl. i've been so sick and i am finally getting over it. thank goodness! while being sick i went to to phoenix, arizona for a little vacation. a much needed vacation. i loved and soaked up every minute of it, literally - i soaked up the sun. we drove down which was awful and with being sick, i was sure to complain. however, i flew home which i was grateful for but! i did have to get up at 4 a.m. this morning to catch my flight in order to make it to work this morning. anywho. arizona was so chill and HOT it felt amazing. i love that kind of heat. it feels like you're getting out of an oven... 111 degrees never felt so good. i loved it because i didn't have to do anything if i didn't want to.... say what???? that NEVER happens to me. i laid out by the pool, went to dinner, took walks, went to ruins, shopped... easy cheeseeey. :) and the BEST part of the entire trip.... i didn't have to be ready, that's right NO make up, how refreshing.

yep... no make up. with my nice tan line.