dream big

i sometimes feel it's a crime to be an individual in my family. i'm constantly trying to make sure i am doing the right thing or saying the right thing because i don't want to feel that i am disappointing someone in someway or that someone might think less of me. however, with that being said it's prevented me from doing so many things in my life that i want to do and can only dream of doing. it's hard sometimes always having to feel approved in some way or another... but there comes a point in your life where you have to do something for YOURSELF. let all the downfalls of others surpass and conquer what you know you are capable of. we all have differences in what we think is right and wrong, what's acceptable and what is not, but that's the glory of it all... we are all entitled to our own choices and opinions.


lately i've really been struggling with school and my career of choice -- and it's literally been killing me. i want to do something that i thrive from, not sit behind a desk looking at a computer screen all day long. sure, some may say well... dream big, but if that's what i have to do -- dream big, i'll sure as heck do it. i've been in college for a solid 3 years now, and i have yet to decide on a major, seems i'm going to 'just go' because it's the 'right thing to do,' which in some ways it is. it's not that i necessarily don't want to go to school, it's that i want to have a plan, know where i'm going and what i'm going to be doing rather than just waste my time... but today i thought different. i had seen a old friend aka my old chiropractor (haha) at church today and he asked what i was going to be doing with school and such, i told him the same thing i tell everyone, 'i don't know, i changed my major AGAIN.' he replies (as does everyone else) 'oh to what?' me--'once more, i don't know.' he looked at me and said.... 'you don't have to know.' he enlightend me that it's okay not to know, i'm young and i have plenty of time -- people who are in their careers still 'don't know' if that's what they really want to do. he told me to do something i love, reguardless what it is. i told him i wanted to cook. i love cooking. i love finding new recipes and making them. i find so much joy in it. i ultimately would love to open up my own chic restaurant and cook. when i told him that, not going to name names... but one of my family members said, ' ha you don't want to do that, don't do that, you won't make anything.'  ......that right there, is exactly why i don't do or say half the things i want to, because those are the responses i get. it makes me feel bad, gosh i'm so sensitive, but it really does. this is one of the reasons i love ron though, he is so supportive of me and encourages me to do something i love entirely. he doesn't care what i end up choosing as long as it makes me happy. he's my rock. everyone else thinks i should be an office person, like a counselor or something, which i'd be a great counselor but i don't want to do that. i don't think i could handle that.. just because i am great at talking to people, giving advice, and have people confide in me... it's too draining -- so stressful. plus, i've never been a money hungry person. i don't need to make a ridiculous amount of money (not that a counselor does), i have so many other things to live for. i want to actively be doing something. i find too many excuses though... such as well i don't know how to even go about achieving my dream, plus what about those 3 years of school... wasted? and so forth. once more, my chiropractor said... 'nothing is wasted, in one way or another you learn and grow.' so true.

it's time to grow.

"When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way"