for yesterday

I think we all have this image in our minds of how life is suppose to be... when really there is no perfect way to life. It's completely bitter sweet. I am entirely grateful for the bitter but somehow I just want it to always be sweet, wouldn't that be nice? Things definitely have a funny way of working out. Just when you think you're starting to get back on your own two feet and move one step closer to the real you... the unexpected happens. You start to feel stronger and wiser and then you break. You break down and you then feel like you just took ten steps back. It's hard when you read words because it's just that... they're only words. You want to believe anything that is said to you, take it, lock it up... and keep it forever, but that isn't how it works. Words require action in order to have meaning. My life right now is probably the most complicated that it has ever been for several reasons. I know that I am teetering back and forth trying to decide what is best for me, and sometimes I feel like I honestly don't know. One day you want this, the next you want that... but you don't always get what you want and that's hard to swallow. What I truly want is for everyone to be happy... even if they've done you wrong or they don't necessarily deserve it. Everyone deserves some sort of happiness in their lives. I wish I could make things better for everyone but I know I can't, it's completely unrealistic... but that's my wish. I wish happy ending for all.

"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I am still trying to figure out how that can be." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower



phases

I'm in this new phase of my life where I have to, oh.... start all over? Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic - but that's what I seems like (me starting all over). I'm not very good at putting myself out there... in all aspects. It's definitely something I have been working on but it isn't easy, then again nothing's easy. At least things that are worth it aren't technically easy. I think I finally decided on a major in Business Finance (after 4 years of college YIKES!), I'm not thrilled but it's better that I make a decision even if it's the wrong one. This next semester is entirely math based - this girl is not excited about it... AT ALL. But I think I'll have room to breathe and actually focus on school because of the position I'm in. It will be refreshing to really focus and put myself where I need to be.

Also being in something for 2 years of my life was a complete comfort a nice comfort... now I don't have that and I have to step outside of the box again and do this thing that people call... dating? Boy do I suck at it. I most definitely don't have that natural flare of being a good date...It's a little bit embarrassing, then again I just can't care. And for once... I honestly don't care. I find it rather hysterical when men say that women are confusing when in fact it's the other way around. This is partly why I don't put emotion into anything and at this point in my life I don't feel that the emotion is necessary.

I have to constantly remind myself everyday throughout the day that it's all in time. Although, time is such a tricky thing. I find myself complaining daily about how fast time is going, but then I still feel pain in other parts where the time isn't healing it fast enough. Total catch 22.

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that i should know

Well this tired mind
Just wants to be lead home

Anyway... on a lighter note.... I officially booked my ticket to The BIG CITY! NEW YORK CITY! I am so excited. I've been wanting to go there for sometime now.. and today my boss told me about a deal Southwest was having for ONE day... talk about total spontaneity! I love doing things like this though, I have no obligation to anything besides school and it's always nice to take a little breather from it. Madison and I have decided to continue to do things like this, ever since we went to California is made us realize how little our time is. We most certainly need to make the most of it and with that we are. I am one excited girl, then again when am I not when I get to go on a vacation? One hand in the air for the big city... let's hear it for New York!

7 weeks

It's been a bit since I've really said anything on here, which is probably good - means I'm busy... and busy is the best thing for me right now. I'm busy as I type this blog, technically I should be studying, but honestly I need a break. I head out to California in the next 4 days and I can't wait. I'm literally itching to get out of here. I have the overwhelming feeling of studying for finals (and passing), getting my essays done, editing pictures, packing, registering for next semester (should have done that long ago), Christmas shopping.... you get my drift. It's easy simple things that just add up to too much. I know my vacation isn't going to be long by any means, but I need it... I  need it bad. I need a little bit of a distraction in my life, I think way too much. I think about my future mostly - brings out the worrier in me, especially lately. You know that feeling, when for so long you had this idea or image in your head of how things were going to pan out? and...... they don't? Things change. Usually I am a frantic mess when things just don't work out how I planned, but this time... it's a little different. I'm not sure why but I feel different. I still feel the unease of being lost/lonely and trying to figure things out on my own but deep down, deep in my heart it whispers, 'you're going to be just fine.' and I believe it. By no means did I expect to be where I am now in my life, but I'm embracing it to the fullest. This last year has shaped me in more ways than I honestly ever could have imagined. I've learned so much about myself, others, and life in general. I'm in that stage of my life where I'm finally coming into my own skin - not being afraid. I'm learning about what I really want and who I really want. It's terrifying but so exciting at the same time.

It's been 7 weeks.... many of you may not even know what I'm referring to, and that's okay, because I know. 7 weeks.... 7 weeks of trying to be okay with where I'm at, I'm getting there. I'm becoming okay.

I don't know what it is about this song, but it makes me cry every time. It's beautiful.

what i'd give for that first night

when you were mine

tried with all that i have to keep you alive

i wasn't taught this way with a thousand things to say

i was born with a broken heart