Remember that time I used to blog all the time? It helped me. It's been a long time since I've actually said anything. I have; however, have written post but did not post my words. I did it for me. I see it, I read it and I listen to MY words. I've often felt that it's my escape even though I'm not good with them. My life in the last year has changed.... Yet alone in the last few months. I often don't give myself enough credit for what I'm trying to accomplish. You might ask what that is... My goals are important to me. To buy a house, to finish school, to continue to try and be the best person I can be. I'm accomplishing two of those things. I've stopped being the best person I can be. I think it is because my tank is... Well, it's just empty. It needs to be refueled. I continue to try and try but nothing changes, nothing is being done. I sit and wonder if I'm too much, too needy? Too emotional? Too wishy washy? And I can't help but tell myself, no, it's not because of those things. I just need to be cheered on every once in a while, to know that I am doing okay, to know I'm only 24 and I'm doing okay. I just need to tell myself that no matter how much you want things to change or whatever the circumstance may be, you, and only you are in control. I need to realize that some people just won't ever be on my page, or even book for that matter, and that's okay. Let it be and move on.
Happy 1st to my little Tuggers. Sure love this guy more than words!
xoxo
Monday, January 21, 2013
I don't know what it is - but something's wrong. I haven't felt this out of place in a long time. I am nothing but negative. all. the. time. I don't know what has gotten into me, but it needs to stop. I'm not my usual happy go lucky self and it's really starting to affect me. I need something. I need to see something and I need to make a change for myself. I constantly feel like I'm suffocating - but I'm the only one that can let myself breathe. I feel the constant need for perfection, in everything. But why? I do have perfectionist tendencies but I'm no where perfect so why am I acting in such a way? I can't pin point it; however, I think it's all apart of growing up. I need to feel like I'm constantly progressing and as of lately I don't feel that way at all. I know I'm too hard on myself and expect way more than I should out of myself and especially for what I can give right in this moment... but I think I need to put myself into something else (along with work and school). They say so often that voluteering is one of the best medicines. I haven't volunteered in quite awhile and I think it's time to start.
I honestly cannot believe that this year is over. It's true what they say - the older you get the faster time flies. Sometimes I wish it would slow down. It's crazy how long some weeks feel and how so often we wish for time to speed up, when in reality it really goes so quickly. Looking back on this year I have so much to be grateful for! I remember how much I loathed 2011 and couldn't wait for a whole new year... I told myself that I wasn't going to hold back in 2012 - and that I didn't. I have been so blessed with so many amazing opportunities. I've got to see places I never thought I'd see and meet people I never thought I'd meet. I surprised myself a lot, actually. I learned so much. I learned that it's okay to let go. I also learned that it's okay to be alone. It's okay to open your heart even though it may hurt like hell. It's okay to say yes. It's okay to challenge yourself. It's okay to look back and remember why you aren't that person anymore. It's okay to let YOURSELF be happy. I hear so often that people rely too much on others for their happiness alone. People need contant reassurance and they can't do things on their own. They ALWAYS need someone there. But guess what? Sometimes someone isn't always going to be there. You need to learn to be sustainable on yourself. Of course, it's always nice to have someone there, someone to rely on - but the truth is it needs to be you first. No one else. You are in charge of your life. And that right there is something I learned this year. With that being said - I can't even begin to explain how blessed I have been with the new faces that have come into my life. I have made such great new friends and have met someone who makes me happier than words! He lightens my entire day. I wouldn't be able to say that without all I've learned this year prior to meeting those sweet faces. Once again, all I can say is how blessed I have been this year and how entirely grateful I am!
Sometimes I have so much to say... I can't even say anything. My heart becomes so full of emotion that I end up losing it all and spill. I'm afraid of my own heart and what it's capable of. It's too big. Too full. But I'd rather have that and be an emotional mess (whether good or bad) than experience nothing at all. I love being sensitive, even though it may be too much... I sometimes forget how truly blessed I am and how much good I have in my life. I let silly things get in the way and become completely overwhelmed and blinded by the good that's right in front of me. The last few months I've been under a lot of stress and it's over things that I have complete control over. Things I can change. And also It's over things I have no control over. So, I'm stressing for no reason. I do nothing but rant, it seems. I'm usually an extremely positive person but somehow I don't feel like myself. I started a new job back in October and it's been nothing but a nightmare. I complain e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y. bless my boyfriends heart for putting up with me. He's been nothing but absolutley amazing! I couldn't ask for anyone better supporting me and cheering me on. My family and friends, too. All the people in my life, in fact, have been so wonderful. I wish I knew how to be stress free. It's funny because I KNOW that no matter what happens in my life things will work out. Period. A job is a job, I am blessed I even have one, and one that teaches me something new every single day. I can always find a new one, even though it may not be in the time I want. Also, school is school. It will always be there. I may not graduate in the time I anticipated but I will graduate. Things in your life change, and sometimes they don't go as planned. I need to always remember that. There is disappointment in life. I've learned several lessons in the past two months... one being that I will never again sacrifice something I am completely happy in for something more and be completely unhappy. It's been a real eye opener. I guess it's hard because this past year has been so good to me. I've done things I never thought I'd do, I've seen things I never thought I'd see. I've opened my heart wide. I've had really great opportunities placed right in front of me... Just because one simple thing doesn't go exactly how I want it - I can't just go forgetting all the good that is. It's the perfectionist in me. I want things to be perfect all the time. However, I've started to understand that I want things to be real, not perfect. Nothing's perfect. It's about finding the perfect in the imperfect. Finding what you love. And I love my imperfect life. Even if it isn't what I wanted. It's helping me understand more than I ever expected.
It's been a long while... Once again. I try not to neglect my blog too much, however; it seems as if I'm doing that quite well. I wish I were one of those people who had a way with words. Ya know, someone who can speak well and write beautifully. Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people. I write, but my words just jumble, I talk but my brain goes faster than my mouth allows and I just can't seem to spit out what I fully want to say. I guess that's why I blog. I say things that may not make sense to others, or may not have any meaning whatsoever to anyone... But that's okay - because my blog is for me. It reflects how I feel without having to give the whole story. speaking of stories, isn't it crazy how everyone has a story? yet no one fully knows it... Besides yourself? That's what makes us unique. We've all been somewhere. Our stories create us. They serve a great purpose in our lives. I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for my story. It's a story that will be untold... But my 23 years of life has given me much. Even stories of people who share a special place in my heart... They affect me. They give me a whole new level of life. I respect people so much for their lives and what they offer. People are so beautiful in so many ways. Whether they be strong, smart, loving, shy, or hold integrity - everyone has something beautiful, some people just refuse to see it because they're so quick to judge. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means because I'm guilty of this as much as the next person but I sure try and do the best I can. I know people judge me and whatnot and that may be partly why I've laid low on the blog. Not wanting people to know certain parts of my life because I know how they'll react or have something to say. But I just want you all to know one thing... I am immensely happy. My heart is so full that it terrifies me. I've never met anyone that puts a bigger smile on my face - and for no reason. I never knew the feeling that people would talk about... Until now. He makes me glow. He makes me giddy. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. He makes me, me. He is the feeling that is indescribable. I am so lucky that he's mine. And for the record, it does 'just happen.' :)
Try to catch my breath to see if I'm still breathing
Touch my heart to make sure it's beating
It's like I'm falling in love
Long time no write. Beware, this may be a long post. I have had the urge to write so much lately and just haven't seemed to have the time to do it. It's been over two months since I have said anything, and I feel like much has happend; however, I don't even know where to begin. It's not even so much of the things that have happend but the realizations I have incountered.
As I have said in previous posts my promise to myself this year was to not hold back from the things I wanted to do, and guess what? I haven't. New York, Phoenix, London, Paris, California, North Dakota (oh yeah!), and Vegas. I am hoping to possibly go somewhere else towards the end of the year to top it off. It has been such a great year. Every single day I look back on my life and see how much I have grown and changed.
One of the biggest things I have learned this year is to be able to enjoy my own company. Going to London and Paris alone was one of best experiences of my life. I wouldn't have changed it for the world! Some people still cannot believe I went alone, but it really opened my eyes. Arriving in London was daunting. Being alone was different. I didn't have anyone to talk to or really ask questions. I was in a completely different country - all by myself. I was a little nervous after finding my hotel, but I took a deep breath and headed out not knowing where I was nor where I was going. Long story short, I loved London! I appreciated the history and all that it has to offer. The people were amazing with such sweet spirits! I made some awesome friends. After London I headed over to Paris on a ferry. Once arriving in Paris... I fell in love... with the city. It was truly amazing! Thinking back on it now makes me miss it. I loved everything about the city. Once more the history was unreal. The food was crazy good and the people overall were fabulous. I honestly didn't believe I was there, everything was too perfect. Sitting at a cafe people watching in Paris with the best cappuccino in the world and a crepe..... does it get much better? The whole experience made me step outside of my box and make life long friends. I can't wait to do it again somewhere else!
Being able to enjoy my own company has truly been a blessing. I am content. I am honestly so happy. It almost brings a serene feeling into my life. I've also learned that sometimes you need to eliminate the negativity in your life. I am one pretty postive individual but often times I get drowned out with a negative atmosphere by others. I'm not a fan. Ever heard of the saying, "you are the company you keep." Well, you are. People view you as the people you are around. I do pretty good on keeping the negativity out but I could be better. It's something I am working on. However, I'm blessed with my attitude. I always try and seek out the best in people but I really look up to those who deal with much in their lives and not let it affect them internally - they usually seem the happiest. They typcially see the best in every situation and try to take it as a lesson learned, much like myself. Those type of people help me stay on track and remember that life isn't so bad. Don't play the victim. Everyone has some sort of struggle. Those who rise above and beyond are truly amazing in my eyes. I believe that everyone on this Earth carries a certain spirit. I feel that however a person thinks of himself in his head is how he carries himself in the world.
Put an ocean and a river
Between everybody else,
Between everything, yourself, and home
